A mothers journal.
- A Motherless Daughter
- Mar 22, 2018
- 3 min read
I have a strange sense of relief because I was there when mommy took her last breathe. My brother Joseph with us also. Under the circumstances it was extremely difficult grasp, although Ma had seemed to have passed peacefully. It really doesn't make the experience any easier. Not at all. However, being there by her side was somewhat comforting, yet at the same time strangely disturbing. I' can't lie, I'm still in shock. I haven't spoken about it with anyone, not properly, and I don't know if, or when I will ever get over that day. One thing I do know is that the pain is still as raw as it was on that morning, in early spring.
Spring was mommys favorite time of year.
Spring begun and I have no Mom. Her soul souring the skies, whilst tears fall gently from my eyes. Its one year on since moms death and honestly, I'm still not okay. Is it selfish of me to want her to be here still? Not just for me, but for my daughter Lilly. The bond between those two could not have been stronger. Although Lilly and I lived in our own home, we spent a lot of time at the family home. From Lilly's birth to Mom's death my Ma had a frequent roll in Lilly's life, as did Lilly in her Nana's. From age 1 - 4 Mom was the ever helping Nannie whether I was studying, working or networking.. she was always there to help when I needed her. They spent most of their time together shopping, cooking or baking. I guess that's where my passion for the following things stem from. From age 4 - 6 things started changing. We didn't see ma as much as previous, and I really disliked it, we spoke everyday still, but something didn't feel right. I wasn't sure if it was because Lilly was in full time school, or because I went from visiting Witham everyday to every week. But I felt like something was being taken away from me, a lost sensation. I had enrolled into a full time Chemistry and Biology course, and began working part time. So I had little time to get to Witham. Inbetween smashing targets at work and expanding knowledge by furthering my education I had parenting and projects to think about. . .As well as a toxic relationship (that I tried to not think about). It wasnt long before the part time job ended up being a full time managers position. I was over the moon when that happened, but quite over-whelmed at the same time.. My work load was getting heavier and more intense, and my hours just doubled! That's when mom announced she had cancer, at first I didn't know how to take it...She seemed okay, happy, healthy, strong in mind and body. But she had lost some weight. She went from a size 18/20 to a size 16 in a year. Initially I thought it was because she had been making healthier lifestyle choices and going to the gym on a weekly basis. But I soon realized it was due to the disease. The weight loss and the healthier adaptions. We began researching metastatic breast cancer to understand what was happening and the process.. Although you hear the word cancer what feels like everywhere. You never really understand until you live through it. Either yourself or a close person. I realized that even if she was a picture of health and happiness externally. The damage was happening internally, that's when it sunk in. I have to do everything I can within my power to make things " easier " for ma. Cannabis played and important roll in that. Yes we was breaking the law sourcing illegal substances to better her life, but I would do it for anyone I love. I completed my course, gave up my job and became Ma's full time carer. Being able to care for someone who had always cared for me was most rewarding.
RIP Mommy. xx
Rest in Paradise J.O.H.N -
The Original Momma J.
Jennifer Orlinda Hazel Naughton - Entered 06.12. Upgraded 22.03.
Mother, great-grandmother, sister, aunt and friend. She was full of fun and knowledge. She taught me, and many others countless life lessons. The priceless ones, the ones that you use for a lifetime and pass on to your loved ones. The basic principles of life. Including tips on how to hold down the home - how to cook and clean. How to dress well. How to pray properly and the importance meditating. From as long as I remember, mommy documented her experiences of life in several diaries and journals. Recipes, remedies, prayers and studies. Reading through them has jogged a multitude of memories for me, some of which I will share with you through the pages of this blog.
This blog is dedicated to The Original Momma J.
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